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Building a better work-life. |
Happy almost-Friday 🙏
"If only you had discipline!" was a constant refrain I heard growing up. (Thanks, mom.)
What might seem surprising on the outside - I've accomplished a lot - hid a shameful truth I've always struggled with.
I am the Queen of Procrastination. Or at least, I used to be.
That's because my typical mode of working was like a comet: fire in the begininng, burnt out at the end. Always fleeting.
For years, I operated with only one motivational tool: self-criticism. If I wasn't being productive, it must be because I lacked discipline, character, or willpower.
Each achievement became not a celebration but merely proof that I could do better when I "really tried." Each failure reinforced that I simply wasn't trying hard enough.
This mental framework created a perpetual cycle:
- Feel guilty about not doing something
- Beat myself up until the discomfort exceeded the resistance to the task
- Work in a frenetic burst of compensatory energy
- Collapse from exhaustion
- Repeat
I now recognize this as what my friend and fellow coach Amina Altai calls "painful ambition" - ambition driven by core wounds rather than purpose. My striving wasn't coming from a place of authentic desire but from a desperate need to prove my worth. Like many others, I was hurting myself to get ahead, mistaking suffering for necessary sacrifice.
Because in my mind, discipline was synonymous with harshness – a strict adherence to uncomfortable routines, something associated with pain and sacrifice.
Of course I resisted! Who wouldn't?
Then I had a breakthrough. (Which came after a series of breakdowns, as these often do.)
What if I flipped the concept of discpline completely? What if it wasn't about forcing yourself into uncomfortable actions but about aligning with your authentic self first, so that actions could flow organically from who you truly are, not who you think you should be?
What the heck does it mean to be your "authentic self"?!
We've all heard the advice to "connect with your why" – to identify the deeper purpose behind your goals. But I've never found that particularly helpful in the day-to-day grind. Lofty visions don't help much when you're facing a blank page or an intimidating to-do list.
These are the three questions I asked myself every night for many weeks, until I discovered exactly what I needed to do to allow my "authentic self" to unfold:
- Where did I gain energy today?
- Where did I lose energy today?
- How I can make it easier to double down on the former, and minimize or protect against the latter?
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In my opinion, when we are our "authentic self", we experience an easeful flow of energy. No matter what's happening externally, we can maintain an energetic equilibrim internally.
This doesn't just "happen." It requires the practice of fulfilling our core needs so we can be our core selves. Which of course means we need learn what our core needs are - a tricky task for many women who are socialized to put others first.
However, this work is critical if you desire flow over flagellation, and while it can be difficult - even painful - it's nothing compared to the pain of pretzeling, pushing, and procrastination.
Those three questions led me to uncover my core need to connect with real people in real time. No wonder all those videos I was making (or at least attempting to), for social media were so draining.
Because without human connection, I struggled to understand what I was doing or why I was doing it. Projects done in isolation became abstract and meaningless, while work connected to actual people – their needs, their feedback, their presence – gave me the energy I needed.
But, it wasn't quite enough to sustain it.
Systems, Not Willpower
My second revelation was equally important: I needed systems, not just resolve.
There's a saying that it's easier to change your environment than to change yourself. This has proven profoundly true in my experience.
Instead of trying to become someone with "more discipline," I've created environments and systems that make the actions I want to take more natural and inevitable.
For example:
- My To Done Tracker helps me know the most important thing to focus on without getting distracted by anything else
- ​Clockify helps me analyze and adjust where I want to spend my time
- I meet with my writing partner three times a week to hold me accountable and cheers me on (shout out to Lex!)
This aligns with what Amina describes as "nurturing the inner and outer environment" - creating conditions where growth can unfold naturally, like grass reaching toward sunlight, rather than something forced through willpower alone.
When You Really Don't Want To Do The Thing
But what about those tasks we genuinely don't want to do? How can we make even those pleasurable?
I've found you need to do something active that injects energy into you. (This assumes you've handled the foundations of sleep, nutrition, and hydration).
The goal is to get momentum moving – if not directly into your dreaded task, then at least somewhere in your life.
Start with something energizing, then carry that momentum with you into what needs to be done:
- If the task still feels difficult, make it a very small action step contained within a short period of time.
- Create a sense of urgency without actual anxiety – get the benefits of a tight deadline without the stress. Ten focused minutes on a small, defined piece of the project can break through resistance better than hours of procrastination.
From Discipline to Devotion
What I've come to understand is that maybe "discipline" isn't even the right word for what I need. As Amina points out, discipline means "to obey a set of codes or behaviors" - codes that often don't work for all people in all circumstances.
Instead, I'm drawn to her concept of "devotion" - being dedicated to a divine purpose. While discipline focuses on rigid adherence to external standards, devotion invites us to become students of our own nature and purpose.
True motivation isn't about self-coercion; it's about self-awareness combined with thoughtful design of our environments and relationships. It's about creating conditions where showing up feels like an unfolding rather than a forcing.
What would happen if instead of treating myself with harshness in the name of discipline, I treated myself with extreme compassion, making everything easier? What if I focused first on how I want to feel, and then designed my environment to support that feeling?
This perspective completely transforms how I approach my work – from pushing against resistance to flowing with my natural inclinations.
Your Turn
What's your relationship with discipline? Have you found your way to devotion rather than discipline? Do you recognize any cycles in your productivity - times of blooming followed by necessary rest?
I'd love to hear your thoughts on finding sustainability rather than constantly pushing for more. Reply back to me - I love hearing from you! - or if you're feeling brave, hit that button below :)
x Claire
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