Hey friend,
"A" came to our coaching session exhausted. At 43, she'd recently been let go from her latest job, but that wasn't the real problem. The real problem was how much mental energy she was spending on the "mini witch" and "big witch" who had made her life hell:
"I would have a nervous breakdown - if I had time for one."
As "A" recounted every detail of her toxic workplace—remembering exact dates, specific conversations, the precise words her manager used—I could see what was happening. She wasn't just carrying the stress of unemployment. She was carrying the full weight of every person who had ever triggered her.
In other words, she was bleeding energy to people who didn't deserve a single drop of it.
This is what I see with almost every client dealing with difficult people: we get so focused on being right about how wrong they are that we forget to protect ourselves. Let me show you how to stop this energy drain—and what you can do about it.
The Energy Leak Problem
When someone triggers us, our brain doesn't just process the moment—it replays it endlessly:
- Rehearsing what we should have said
- Analyzing their motivations
- Building detailed cases for why they're terrible
- Fantasizing about comebacks or revenge
- Telling the story over and over to anyone who will listen
This feels productive because we're "processing." But it's actually the opposite—we're giving our most precious resource (our mental energy) to our least deserving recipients.
When A spent 45 minutes of our session detailing her managers' behavior, her brain was literally reliving the trauma instead of moving toward solutions. Every minute focused on their dysfunction was a minute stolen from her future.
Your energy is your currency. Every moment you spend on people who trigger you is money you're setting on fire.
What Actually Happens When You Protect Your Energy
Think about the most resilient people you know. They're not the ones who never encounter difficult people—they're the ones who don't let difficult people rent space in their heads.
Their power comes from their ability to stay centered regardless of others' behavior. This can be you, as long as you learn to protect your energy.
Here's what happens:
- You become unshakeable. When your inner state isn't dependent on others' actions, you can't be manipulated or controlled. Toxic people lose their power over you completely.
- You make better decisions. Clear thinking requires mental space. When you stop obsessing over triggers, you can focus on strategy and solutions instead of reactions.
- You attract healthier relationships. People are drawn to those who aren't constantly drained by drama. Your calm becomes magnetic to other centered people.
- You recover faster from setbacks. Resilience isn't about not getting knocked down—it's about not staying down. Protected energy means faster bounce-back.
The Self-Protection Framework
Here's how to stop bleeding energy to people who trigger you:
Step 1: Find the Humanity (and Humor).
Instead of seeing them as evil, see them as flawed humans dealing with their own anxiety and insecurity. Before every interaction, think: "What's keeping them up at night? What are they afraid of?"
This isn't about excusing bad behavior—it's about defusing your emotional charge so they can't pull your strings.
When "A" imagines her "big witch" manager as someone desperately insecure about her own competence, suddenly the power dynamic shifts. The witch becomes a sad, anxious person instead of a monster.
Step 2: Create Energy Boundaries
After any triggering interaction, immediately do something to mark the end:
- Wash your hands while visualizing the interaction washing away
- Take three deep breaths and say "This chapter is done"
- Write the incident on paper, then tear it up
- Do jumping jacks to shift your physical state
The goal is training your brain that you have control over when to stop processing.
Step 3: Redirect Your Mental Energy
When you catch yourself replaying a trigger:
- Ask: "Is thinking about this right now helping me move forward?"
- Set a timer for 5 minutes to "worry" about it, then stop
- Write one action step you can take, then focus on that instead
- Call someone who makes you laugh
For "A", this might mean: "Every time I start thinking about Big Witch, I'm going to spend that same amount of time researching fractional accounting opportunities instead."
Step 4: Track Your Energy Investment
At the end of each day, ask:
- Where did I give my energy today?
- How much went to productive activities vs. rehashing problems?
- Which people or situations are my biggest energy drains?
- What would change if I redirected that energy toward my goals?
Your triggers didn't happen to teach you about other people. They happened to teach you about protecting yourself.
This Week's Experiment
For the next seven days, notice every time you start mentally re-litigating a past conflict or current frustration with a difficult person. When you catch yourself:
- Set a timer for 2 minutes to fully feel frustrated
- When it goes off, ask: "What's one thing I can do right now to move my life forward?"
- Do that thing instead of continuing to process the trigger
Track how much mental energy you reclaim when you stop feeding it to people who don't deserve it.
What person or situation has been taking up too much real estate in your mind? Hit reply and share one trigger you're ready to stop giving your power to.
Remember, your energy belongs to you. Stop letting other people spend it.
x Claire
👯
No July Meetup
UPDATE COMING
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7-Day Progress Plan
Putting advice into action.
Day 1: Identify Your Energy Drains (10 min)
List the top 3 people/situations you think about most often. For each, estimate how much mental energy you spend on them daily.
Day 2: Practice the Humanity Exercise (5 min)
Pick your biggest current trigger. Spend 5 minutes imagining what might be making them anxious, insecure, or afraid. Notice if this shifts how you feel about them.
Day 3: Create an Energy Boundary Ritual (5 min)
Choose one physical action you'll do after every triggering interaction to mark "the end." Practice it once today, even without a trigger.
Day 4: Catch and Redirect (throughout day)
Every time you notice yourself rehashing a conflict or frustration, stop and ask: "What's one productive thing I could do with this energy instead?" Then do it.
Day 5: Time Your Worry (10 min)
Set a timer for 5 minutes and allow yourself to fully worry about/analyze one trigger. When it goes off, immediately switch to something that moves you forward.
Day 6: Energy Audit (10 min)
Review your day: What percentage of your mental energy went to productive activities vs. processing triggers? What would you do with the reclaimed energy?
Day 7: Reflect on Protection (10 min)
Compare how you felt on Day 1 vs Day 7. What changed when you started protecting your energy? What do you want to keep doing differently?